Log in

18 April 2010 @ 05:47 pm
My screen is the blank canvas I've been trying to paint in real life.

Work sucks; I hate pancakes. Isn't it noticable from my angry, and angst postings? I always wished I had some strange thing to brood upon - like fixing cameras! I'd love to be a God at fixing cameras. But, sadly, my talents lay in the artistic, drawing - painting - musing, categories.

Why am I not satisfied with it? I don't know. Maybe because I've been letting my brushes and paints rot. I have doodled. Oh, I've doodled. But, I cannot bring myself to lift my brush and create like my life depended on it. I've got a heavy heart just thinking about it.

Work contributes. When I think of work, all I want to do is lay down, and do nothing. It allows me to purchase things, but it doesn't allow me the artistic freedoms that I require. Silly, right? I work between six and twelve hours a day - and when I'm finished, all my ideas lay at the bott'em on someone's syrup container. Like a bird - there it goes! Down the drain, as I wash my hands for the eighteenth time today!

My only real relaxant is this smell. It's hard to explain - but - marigolds. One sweet wiff of that, and I'm less cynical and mean, and more. . . Me. I want a garden to work in! I want to be able to relax in the sun, watching the fruits of my labor! I want to be able to paint my work, and enjoy is. 

Truthfully, I have no idea what I want. I just know of a lot of what I don't want. That is a good start, isn't it?
mood: tiredtired
yourjypsy on April 22nd, 2010 11:11 am (UTC)
Knowing what you don't want is a start.. The freedom to discover what we truly want seems so very unlikely, as we're so tired and irritated at our jobs that all our free time is so devoted to bitching or relaxing that we forget to contemplate between shitty work schedules. Join me in a "GAH!!!!"?